Michael Vick cancels book tour after death threats from Dogs

Doggie death threat!

Doggie death threat!

NFL quarterback Michael Vick is a noted animal lover, in the sense that he loves to see animals rip each other to bloody shreds. Before going to prison, Vick was considered the Don King of animal fighting. Vick’s gravitas in the field yielded the world’s first possum Thunderdome tournament, and the first-ever sea turtle match which reported lasted over six hours.

But none of Vick’s animal deathmatches compare to those in the field of dog fighting. His Atlanta home was dubbed “The Doghouse of Pain,” hosting over a thousand matches a year. It would become the biggest source of evidence in Vick’s conviction (or, as one former ESPN reporter dubbed it, the “Vickviction.”)

Now that Michael Vick has served his time and returned to his NFL-salaried lifestyle, it seemed only fitting that he sit down with a ghostwriter and make some shit up about his life for 200 pages. His autobiography “Finally Free” was published earlier this month.

A proposed book tour to promote “Finally Free” was met with strong opposition by canine activist groups. DogWatch, a watchdog organization ran by watchdogs, claimed to have been organizing protests at nearly every stop of the tour.

However, other more militant groups took a harder stance. The Trixies, a loose-knit group of terrorist poodles, began threatening violence against Mr. Vick. According to an anonymous spokespoodle, the Trixies would “bite, bark, growl and shit everywhere. It would be suffering like Michael Vick has never seen before…except all the time when he used to fight animals.”

The threats became severe enough that the tour has been “indefinitely postponed.” But fear not, Vick fans! You can still see Michael Vick playing for the Philadelphia Eagles. And you don’t have to feel guilty about it, as eagles are one of the few animals Vick could never teach how to fight to the death.