Mid-Life Prizes!

Leicester Square was a sea of badly fitting toupees and expanding waistlines last night as hundreds gathered for the third annual Mid Life Crisis Awards presented by Top Gear host James May. Fifty-one year old Dennis Bypass took home the gong for ‘most embarrassing father’ after picking up his sixteen year old daughter and her three friends from a cinema date and attempting to demonstrate his caring, metro-sexual credentials by giving out flawed sexual health advice and expanding upon his very limited knowledge of the menstrual cycle. The award for the most idiotic life changing decision went to forty-eight year old Graphite Baldylocks after he left his wife of twenty-seven years and their two teenage children and moved out of their four bedroom Surbiton house to shack up with a seventeen year old A-Level student who proceeded to leave him two weeks later in favour of an acne scarred pot-washer, leaving Mr Baldylocks both penniless and suicidal. There was also a special posthumous award for the late Basil Sadsack, 42, who, after being made redundant from his management job at a paper shredding firm decided to shave his head, purchase a multitude of gold jewellery and a shell-suit before announcing to his family he was going to ‘chill with his brethren’ down at the local hip-hop club in Luton. Mr Sadsack’s body was found by police the following day stripped naked and face down in the gutter with over fifty-seven separate stab wounds to his chest and facial area.