The Mile High Club raises membership standards

Not pictured: a handjob in action.

Not pictured: a handjob in action.

In the 1970’s when airline travel was invented, it was common practice to have sex at 20,000 feet. Pilots were shagging stewardesses in midflight, common passengers were shagging their luggage, and Allied fighter pilots were shagging aviator sunglasses while dogfighting the Nazis. Everyone had afros and rollerskated, and funk music came in juice boxes.

Today, all the afros seem so far away. Now everyone is uptight and worried about lengthy legal engagements and media ridicule. This includes the high-flying-yet-underground pleasure seekers group known as The Mile High Club.

“The first rule of the Mile High Club is ‘you don’t talk about Fight Club.’ Because seriously, it’s just a god damn movie, and I’m really sick of hearing that phrase already. But similarly, the second rule of the Mile High Club is that you’re not supposed to let the whole flight know you’re in the Mile High Club.”

That is a quote from Carter Niemi, a guy who seemed pretty comfortable letting the whole internet know that he’s President of the Mile High Club.

His statement is in response to an incident involving a couple openly committing sex acts on a flight to Las Vegas. Several undercover agents of the Mile High Club – who, like Air Marshals, are on every domestic flight in the US – did not approve of the membership attempt, and forcibly ejected the pair from the club/aircraft.

The supplied airbags should save their lives. DB Cooper swears by them.

The incident has caused Niemi and the Mile High Club board of trustees to strengthen the organization’s membership standards. The new bylaws have not yet been finalized, but Niemi has revealed that they will likely include stricter aero-sex zoning, including an addendum known as the “Cabin Fever Clause” which specifically states that “intercourse within all general seating areas is strictly prohibited unless everyone on-board is of age and, you know, on-board.”

As an affiliate of the Kiwanis Club and the Masonic Temple of Grover County, the Mile High Club is estimated to have over 23,000 members across the country. In theory we’ll never know the true number, but then again President Niemi tell us at some point.

Dr Johannesburg Swivel

Dr Johannesburg Swivel

I'd very much like to stick my fingers inside you. - Author Bio

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