In a peculiar twist of fate human flu has fought back against the birds!
Hype about the deadly H2N1 bird flu virus came and went without so much as a YouTube clip of a blackbird sneezing.
Now the avian population are under threat…from us.
Research published this morning shows how bad Man Flu H1SPA1N is not only agonising beyond all measure for men, but it is lethal to the Male Missal Thrush who’s numbers have nosedived (quite literally in some cases) over recent years.
It has been proven that men suffer far more terribly than women when it comes to flu because their ability to ‘moan like a bitch’ is exacerbated by a gland or something.
The Mistle Thrush is a wonderful bird who’s song echoing across a warm spring evening is more beautiful than a celebrity vagina painted with warm butter.
This bird must be protected NOW!
Brian Davies from the RSPB took us to a house in Norfolk to see for ourselves.
‘Look at this, it breaks my heart!’ he said pointing to a lawn littered with Mistle thrushes, each embedded beak-first into the sod like so many feathered darts.
‘When they know they’re going to die,’ he wailed, ‘The put on a grand gesture, flying up to a thousand feet in the air and plummeting down to the ground like a missile! That’s why they have that name!’
Our reporter was going to point out the fact that it is spelled differently but that would have been a bit mean considering the man was wracked with grief.
The public, particularly men, are being urged not to sneeze near thrushes, no matter how tempting it may be.
Taking the following simple steps may save the lives of our remaining thrushes:
1) Don’t climb trees with man flu
2) Don’t put your face in birds nests with man flu
3) Don’t date thrushes when you’ve got man flu
4) Stop bird watching when you’ve got man flu
5) Don’t feed your man flu snot to thrushes
6) Don’t share your handkerchief with a thrush
These simple measures can make a big difference to the survival of these precious birds.
In the meantime, don’t go out into your garden unless you’re wearing a Kevlar helmet.
One man in Berkshire is undergoing surgery later today to have a thrush surgically removed from his eye socket.