Scores of sexually liberated teenagers are doing cartwheels across several states this morning-after. Finally, the FDA has given the thumbs up healthy intercourse, streamlining access to baby-blocking pharmaceuticals from the comfort of the public school lunch-line!
Many parents have applauded the decision to include the morning-after pill as part of the food pyramid. “I’ve always taught my son to handle sex with the utmost caution,” claims a mother in Washington state. “If I had, he wouldn’t be here to need that advice in the first place.”
On the other hand, more concerned parents have been less supportive of the move, claiming that “the right to freedom is a privilege, not a liberty.” A schoolboard member in Iowa expressed his empathy towards those opposing the lunchtime addition: “As a parent, I feel exactly like you do: our children’s genitals should be locked inside tiny cages, only to be unbound upon their 38th birthday. But folks, this simply isn’t the world we live in anymore. My cage was removed on my 30th birthday, and all I can think about is what being 17 could’ve been like.”
BREAKING NEWS — FDA considers making morning-after pills available in chewable form for preschoolers
“I support a young woman’s right to do the freaky deaky,” claims a high school principal in New Mexico. “And I also support her right to not muck up the learning process for everyone else by coming to school all pregnant and gross. Fix a problem before it becomes a problem, am I right?”
In each of the 12 states currently implementing the change, a new position has been added to the lunchroom staff: Mealtime Contraceptive Administrator, also known as “The Pill Lady.” Amazingly, every person who has been appointed to this position has been exactly 65 years of age, severely overweight, and has at least one mole with a single hair poking out of it.