Despite today’s announcement that crime is on the increase, muggers across the nation have reported record losses as average takings per attack are down in almost every sector. Results posted for the last quatre of 2011 show that the average amount stolen from innocent bystanders was down by 40%. Muggers are applying for bankruptcy at the rate of over 100 per week and rising. It seems that wallets aren’t as full as they once were because the recession effects us all. Two men we spoke to admitted that having robbed their victim, punched them in the face and retreated a to a safe distance they discovered not money but coupons in their wallet.
“It’s ridiculous, I feel ashamed of the crime figures but with takings like this I end up knocking off three
times as many people.” Said Peter who’s real name is Susan Wilkinson.
The government are advising people to carry more cash in their wallets in an attempt to bring down crime figures which are proving detrimental to their rating in the polls.
‘It’s so embarrassing,’ Said a Government official down the phone to his wife without either of them knowing we had it tapped. ‘What kind of self-respecting western capitalist, planet sucking nation has a public not worth mugging? We’ll be the laughing stock of Europe!’ he added.