Murray Australian Open Success would spell an end to dream of Scottish Independence!

 Sorry Scotland, he’s too bloody successful!

Andy Murray; British not Scottish

Andy Murray; British not Scottish

Any hopes of a flourishing independent Scotland living off the spoils of whiskey, shortbread, tartan and oil faded into nothingness yesterday as their favourite son Andy Murray blasted his way into the Australian Open filnal.

If Mr Murray were to win the tournament his income would be sufficient to bail out most of Europe, fund the ailing UK space agency for the next ten years and wash a lot of testicles with fine champagne.

The beleaguered UK economy would get a much needed boost and Westminster is not about to just hand that over to Scotland.

“They can have the submarines, fold up bikes, Kiera Knightly and Melton Mowbray Pork Pies (The only four things still manufactured in the UK and not imported from China) but Murray stays ‘British’!” said a parliamentary spokesperson following the match.

Scottish leader Alex Salmond waded into the row saying that Andy Murray was Scottish and therefore all his cash should go to Him to help with his hobbies which include; for fried food, horse racing and sex furniture.

“What about me?” Said Mr Salmond! “When will my dream come true? I can’t ride a horse and stuff but I’m taller than Mel Gibson! I want to be commemorated with statues and songs and stuff too, Andy could give me that chance!” He was led away raving and foaming at the mouth.

Any Murray will take on Novak Jokovic, the most frightening man ever to hold a tennis raquet!

A man who was built by a secre Eastern European robot called Ziegel II, who’s other successes include Maria Sharpova’s legs and Uranium 234.

Novak Jokovic, who famously ate the warm still-beating heart of a live Rottweiler after winning his semi final has a penis made from solid titanium and the ability to prevent himself ejaculating no matter what!

Murray’s only chance is if, and it’s a big if, a warrior from the 22nd century is sent back in time to help him…