More bad news for commuters, particularly those who, for whatever reason, are unable to produce a valid ticket on demand. When challenged, if you are unable to pay an on-the-spot fine you will be asked to perform a comedy forfeit for the amusement of fellow passengers, the nature if which will be determined by the spin of a wheel.
National Rail have yet to reveal a list of the forfeits but the Haddock’s roving reporters have managed to obtain a draft copy of the list (see below)
Pretend you have one leg
Sing the excuse you just made up
Walk up to random commuters and whisper the colour of your underwear in their ear
Shout a poem about your last turd
Peak Tickets (2nd class)
Lie down in the corridor whilst the buffet trolley is slowly dragged over your face
Take down your trousers and pretend to produce your lost ticket from your behind
Talk about your nipples for two minutes without showing any kind of emotion
Peak Tickets (first class)
Remove four pieces of chewing gum from a platform using only your teeth
Drink the spit of the oldest person in the carriage
Sniff two lines of biscuit crumbs from beneath the dirtiest train seat on the train
Swallow a live London Underground mouse.
So buy a ticket … even if it’s a complete racket!