National Rail Introduce Forfeits for Fare Dodgers

More bad news for commuters, particularly those who, for whatever reason, are unable to produce a valid ticket on demand. When challenged, if you are unable to pay an on-the-spot fine you will be asked to perform a comedy forfeit for the amusement of fellow passengers, the nature if which will be determined by the spin of a wheel.

National Rail have yet to reveal a list of the forfeits but the Haddock’s roving reporters have managed to obtain a draft copy of the list (see below)

Offpeak Tickets: 

Pretend you have one leg

Sing the excuse you just made up

Walk up to random commuters and whisper the colour of your underwear in their ear

Shout a poem about your last turd

Peak Tickets (2nd class)

Lie down in the corridor whilst the buffet trolley is slowly dragged over your face

Take down your trousers and pretend to produce your lost ticket from your behind

Talk about your nipples for two minutes without showing any kind of emotion

Peak Tickets (first class)

Remove four pieces of chewing gum from a platform using only your teeth

Drink the spit of the oldest person in the carriage

Sniff two lines of biscuit crumbs from beneath the dirtiest train seat on the train

Swallow a live London Underground mouse.

 

So buy a ticket … even if it’s a complete racket!