Nearly Dead Ringers

Twenty-five people were hospitalised with chest injuries yesterday following a mass crushing during a crowd surge at an over sixty-fives hand-bell concert at St Swithin by the Fields Parish church in the Suffolk village of Womblesby. Organisers blamed gatecrashers who climbed over the wire fences in a bid to attend the sold out event headlined by the Treble Clefs, an all girl band comprised of legendary ringers Ivy Wonting, 78, Ethel Deardridge, 89, Dulcie Akenfield, 97 and Alice Mayberry, 106. As police and security guards struggled to hold back the 72,000 strong crowd, some hysterical fans attempted to storm the stage in a bid to get closer to their heroes, whose cream tea binges and jam and sponge cake orgies have made them almost as notorious out of the arena as in it. At one point Akenfield, who had earlier stunned the crowd with a six bell ‘off the table’ five minute weaving solo, emerged wearing a bullet bra with lots of lit sparklers attached to the nipple area whilst Mayberry performed a raunchy routine with a greased up male beefcake dancer and Deardridge ground up some warforin and snorted it on stage through a rolled up ten bob note. But it was when Wonting decided to dive into the crowd and surf it like a wave of bodies that the evening almost took a tragic turn. Said one groupie, heavily tattooed biker and self styled ‘super-fan’ Denton Rocksteady; “As soon as Ivy took off from the stage everything just went nuts. Everyone sort of rushed forward and it felt as though every part of my body had been simultaneously kicked by a horse. I went blue in the face and almost passed out. The doctors say three of my ribs are cracked and I was lucky not to have punctured a lung. It was worth it though. Those guys are freaking awesome and I’ll definitely be back here in the exact same place next year.â€