Danger Must Stop! Says Government

Mountaineers and those who perform all dangerous sport are to be charged by the NHS for any injury sustained in pursuit of these activities. The New ‘That’ll Learn Ya’ bill will be introduced in the autumn as an antidote to increasing pressure on the Health Service to discriminate against those who take their lives into their own hands wantonly.

“Some people say you should charge alcoholics and smokers extra money for clogging up our hospitals,” said Wakefield Hiccup a spokesman for the government. “Well, we don’t think that’s going far enough … we take the view that any bastard stupid enough to throw themselves off a bridge tied to a piece of elastic, climb a sheer rock face without a rope or generally put themselves in harms way to get their kicks is a drain on the state. Essentially, fun is costing the tax payer too much money and needs to be regulated.”

When the bill becomes law, as well as the hospital charges there will be a move to ensure that all equipment pertaining to dangerous outdoor pursuits will be hidden from view and its sale not actively encouraged. Advertising of products like gore tex, hiking boots, climbing gear, canoes, mountain bikes and so on will be banned completely.

When questioned about these rather extreme measures, Mr Hiccup was adamant that it was in the public interests.

“We’re just saving people’s lives. They’re a danger to themselves. You only have to speak to someone who’s lost a loved one in a sporting accident to realise how destructive this kind of behavior is. People need to stay at home, watch TV, not drink, not smoke, not dance, not endanger themselves in any way whatsoever … that way they’ll all live long enough to vote for us at the next election!”