New Official Retirement Age: 100

“British People are Fantastic!” Said the employment secretary today after announcing that the UK’s official retirement age is to be set at 100 years. “They’re the toughest, hardest  working people in the world, and that’s why the Conservative Party is rewarding them with a longer working life. We in the government understand that retirement is a frightening prospect for many, feelings of uselessness, unable to contribute to society, that inescapable truth that one’s life is coming to an end. Well it’s time to stop the rot! Work till your 100 and enjoy a brief but pleasant retirement and a telegram from the queen! You’re not useless to us, you’re the grey force! We value our old people and they’re  productive!”

Our reporter challenged this statement suggesting that it was simply a way to boost production, fill the coffers with extra National Insurance revenue and wriggle out of paying state pensions to those who don’t manage to become centenarians (that is to say less than 20% of us).  The question was dismissed with an uncomfortable laugh. Haddock HQ later received a brown envelope containing £10 000 and a post it note saying “Keep your mouths shut and you’ll get another one of these next week!”  it was not signed.

If you’re too ill or infirm to keep working into triple figures then you’ll be given the option to blow yourself up using environmentally friendly explosives made from bio fuel! Far more dignified than wasting away in an old people’s home eh?