His plan: a super owl that shoots laser beams out of its eyes.
“Laser Owl will do what responsible citizens cannot: stop all bad things from happening, and shoot laser beams out of his eyes,” announced the president during a press conference yesterday.
The president outlined a three-stage process for transitioning into Laser Owl protection. “First, Laser Owl will confiscate every firearm in the country. Then he’ll use his eye lasers to melt them down so the metal can be used in fuel-efficient drone airplanes. Finally, Laser Owl will patrol the nation from high above the clouds, shooting his super-sweet laser beams at the bad guys like pew pew pew!!”
Harold Feldt of the Milwaukee Examiner asked the president if Laser Owl and the country’s oncoming influx of drone usage would interfere with one another. The president laughed heartily. “Of course not!” shouted the president. “You don’t think a super owl is smarter than a remote control airplane? What are you, from Milwaukee or something?”
Regarding some who believe that the president’s new positions on gun control infringes upon the constitutional rights of American citizens, the president took a firm tone: “I am a man who believes in the constitution of the United States of America. I’ve read it twice, and not once is there even one single mention of an Owl with laser emitting capabilities. That is a fact.
…oh you guys are mad about the guns thing?”