Well he sneaks around the world, from Hong Kong over to Russia. Then he hops a plane to Cuba on his way to Ecuador. He’s known around the globe, as the information hustler. Tell me: where in the world is Whistleblowin’ Snowden?
Alright fine, it was a lame attempt at reworking the Carmen Sandiego theme song, but the facts are there, dickweed. Snowden, the international gangster of transparency, is bouncing around the planet to evade capture by the men in black helicopters.
But to what lengths are Obama’s fingermen willing to go in order to secure his capture? The president himself spoke on the situation earlier this week: “Look, I’m not going to scramble fighter jets for a 29-year-old hacker. I wouldn’t even scramble eggs for him. Nor would I cook him sausages, or pancakes, or provide him with, uh, maple syrup or any types of assorted jams.”
After a brief pause, and though not pressed about the issue, Mr. Obama continued: “I am not going to entice this young man with the comforts of a bed and breakfast. This is not a Cracker Barrel; he’s not getting those buttery biscuits or the sawmill gravy. He’s not getting honey toast, no bacon or croissants, definitely no eggy in the basket. Not as long as I’m president.”
It is thought that the president may have engaged in this string of statements after he himself missed breakfast. Sources in the White House claim that “20 million private electronic interactions is a LOT to sift through on a daily basis, so it’s understandable that the president sleeps in occasionally after late night surveillance of law-abiding citizens.”