Shock, horror… the Olympic flame is not to be powered by the breath of Greek virgins or wheel’s turned by Buddhist vegan hampsters … instead it is to burn gas Frakked from the England’s scarred and battered womb.
Yes, the gas which is mined by exploding a neutron bomb packed with dirty nappies, whale piss and radioactive monkeys donated by the MOD, will be piped down south from Frakpool Tower into the towering structure designed by some instantly forgettable dropout from St Martin’s College.
Frakked gas, which smells like Lynx Chocolate Deodorant, is extracted by earthquake which is the silliest idea since King Harold decided to remove his Ray Bans at the battle of Hastings.
Never mind, we can just put it on the carbon deficit slate (soon to be replaced by Wales).
The good news is that the flame will be lit by Abu Quatada’s Beard which may still be growing from his face at the time depending whether or not it is deported with the rest of his person.
There’s also talk of winding up the ceremony by firing him across the channel in some promotional flying machine donated by Red Bull.
If this is the case he will most likely be accompanied by Nick Clegg who is bound to have been evicted from politics by some trumped up charge by then … it’s for the best Nick.