Oxford Researchers: “Caterpillars are Actually a Type of Fruit”

 Researchers at Oxford University’s R. Russell Gregaldi Centre for Advanced Entomology Research, Development, Maintenance and Sometimes Tobogganing have confirmed a long-standing rumor in the scientific community: the insect known as the caterpillar is in fact not an insect, but actually a tiny ambulatory type of pulpy fruit. A statement made by Entomology Department Chairman Dr. Lloyd Poloi asserted that the caterpillar “grows until vine-ripened enough to obtain mobility,” and that the creature does not actually gain the characteristics of an insect until its transformation into winged adulthood.

“The study began as a way to justify why it was that we were eating so many of the things” claims undergraduate Nathan Birch. “It got to the point where we were eating two and three caterpillar pies a day. We also noticed how much iguanas seemed to like them.” Mr. Birch proceeded to pour himself a glass of caterpillarade, and chugged it in a manner unbecoming of a scientist.

Over the course of two years, the Oxford research team studied all aspects of the fruit. The caterpillar fruit’s leg-like protrusions which enable its movement are genetically tantamount to a highly evolved form of peach fuzz. It’s pulpy insides taste sweet and leafy, reflecting the greens which they absorb in order to ripen.

The discovery has prompted scientists to ponder what other things may actually be wrongfully identified fruit. According to Dr. Poloi, there are several cases at the forefront of research: “Though our research is far from complete, we have reason to conduct further study on certain mineral composites, various Twitter feeds, the work of Anne Rice, and satchels. All of these exhibit distinctly fruitish characteristics.”