People do More things says Government

World Population GrowthA government think tank announced today that there is a direct correlation between population growth and the number of things people do.

It seems that the more people we have the more crimes are committed, but conversely more criminals are caught. More people means more jobs but higher unemployment, there are more fat people, more thin people, and more boys turning to dancing and more government think tanks.

In an attempt control the problem the Conservative party have, as always, made a commitment to do less and are asking the public to follow suit. A new range of Tedium Benefits are to be given to those who purposely sit twiddling their thumbs in order to reduce consumption of raw materials and public services.

‘We need to limit the menu of things people can do!’ said a Government spokesman today. ‘It seems that life is becoming far too interesting and this is killing the planet. The problem is that people keep having new ideas, and the more people there are the more this happens. Ideas are eating the planet like a giant peach that has fallen into a box of starved caterpillars!’ He metaphored!

A wily junior minister has pounced upon this opportunity and suggested that stupid people be given more prominence in society so that the number of thought-leaders can be diluted out.

There will be incentives to have intercourse with brainless mouth-breathers as a way of breeding smart-arsed know-it-alls out of society and leveling the playing field a bit.

Don’s at the University of Oxford have condemned the measures saying that intelligence is the life-blood of society and that to suppress it is madness but the Government were swift to dismiss these fears.

‘It’s all very well inventing stuff and coming up with new ideas, but ultimately that just gives people more stuff to do and where will that leave us.’ Said our source. ‘We need to foster an age of vacuous navel-gazing if we are to have any future at all!’

For now ministers are urging us to use contraceptives unless we find ourselves being banged up against a wheelie bin by a web-toed inbred with an IQ of 40 in which case we should have seconds for England!