Service animals are a great help to people with sad disfigurements everywhere. But some animals are not cut out for service in Her Majesty’s Royal Help Force. Parrots are one of those animals, as Peru has recently discovered.
In the Peruvian province of Ate, the local wellness authorities have come under fire for a program known as “Relatively Effectual Wings” (REW), a charity aimed at providing seeing eye parrots to the elderly and infirmed of the region.
“I have had this thing for two damn weeks,” says old lady Marcia Balleta. “I have never seen so much shit in a two week span. Droppings, everywhere. Other than that…there really isn’t much other than that.”
The main problem with the seeing eye parrots is that they don’t actually assist the disabled in any way. They squawk, gnash their claws, but do not administer any actual form of aid. Administrators of the REW program are considering changing their title to the “United States Congress.”
“Being blind is shit times two with these ruddy buggers,” claims Garth Dearn, a blind man who didn’t have anything against birds until having to encounter them one-on-one.
The REW is reviewing its charter and contemplating its sexuality. The organization’s supervisional council will vote next week whether to revise it’s healthcare strategies or to do nothing out of stubbornness and not worry about the ramifications because no one cares all that much.