On Saturday, the 5th day of October 2013, the Florida Panthers played some of the most amazingly horrible hockey the world has ever witnessed.
It was a near performance art* level of sloppiness: they fumbled passes, blew chances, got penalty after penalty, and oh yeah, never scored a single goal against their opponents the St. Louis Blues who themselves scored SEVEN (7) goals.
That’s 210 points in American football terms, 422 in basketball terms, 218 in dog years, serving flaming tennis balls at Wimbledon, and 7-nil in real football.
Naturally, the team became frustrated by their lack of ability to be capable athletes and began picking fights at random. This may have been some type of small manliness-salvaging victory display had the Panthers not lost nearly every bout they initiated. The team’s mascot Stanley C. Panther was flown by private jet to have his ass kicked personally by Louie the Bear.
The fighting became so intense towards the end of the game that audience member and PGA golfer Allan Oscovar was ejected from the building for antagonizing the Panther’s bench with a sawed-off pitching wedge.
The backlash from that incident has been a rash of outrage amongst PGA players:
Anti-hockey sentiment amongst other golfers has escalated even further. A small group of semi-pros known as The Long-Drivers have circulated plans to storm hockey games and tee off ball after deadly golf ball into the crowd. It could possibly be the world’s first instance of Athletic Terrorism.
* – La Danse de la Panthère Honteux (Dance, Disgraceful Panther), a production of the Missouri Nouveau Dance Company, opens at the St. Louis Center for the Performing Arts early next year.
AUTHOR’S NOTE: Allan Oscovar is the name of the golfer in question only for the fact that we’ve scoured the internet and have not been able to track down the actual culprit’s identity. He must not be very big on the tour circuit. If you have any information on the identity of the golfer who was ejected from the Blues-Panthers game, please send us an email so we can fix this critical detail.