In scenes reminiscent of Herod in Bethlehem, police are roaming the streets in packs arresting each and every old man in the country in case they once did something bad and got away with it!
Starting out as part of Operation Yew Tree in which police are questioning any smug old people who so much as shared a lift with Jimmy Saville, this new initiative hopes to cleanse Britain’s ageing population of unconfessed crimes.
“They’re just bitter because they didn’t catch us at the time!” Said Bernard Stevens (70) from London who finally owned up to stealing oranges to save his little brother from dying of scurvy during the blitz.
There is also a suggestion that turning old men into criminals might be a good enough reason to stop their state pensions (an outcome which would be interpreted as ‘Growth’ by Chancellor George Osborne).
“It’s great!” Said a spokesman for the Chancellor’s office. “We don’t even have to send them to prison, just pack em off home with 140 hours of community service and no pension! Free labour and a welcome Christmas bonus for Britain’s economy!”
Thousands of old men are currently holed up in police cells across the country without medication, slippers or perhaps more importantly…bedpans!
“Fookin hell, this place stinks of turd!” said one criminal who asked to be transferred to a high security prison with a guaranteed buggering rather than put up with the stench of a thousand old man poos.
“It’s like Christmas has come early!” Said one local police commissioner. “We’ve charged more people in the last week than in the whole of 2011!”
Some of the crimes for which these poor chaps have been convicted include; puking in a girls lavatory, driving into a bush having accidentally taken your wife’s Valium and talking to children without a license!
The world is a safer place this week.