Police unions lobby for ability to indiscriminately fire on family pets

Woof woof, bang bang.

Woof woof, bang bang.

To Serve and Protect and Kill When We Feel Like It!

The American police officer is many things: overly assertive, unreasonably confident, armed with a lethal weapon, and far too often, a blood-thirsty sociopath.

No time is this more apparent than when police officers make the conscious decision to murder people’s family pets. Generally this takes the form of dead dogs, guilty of the crime of barking, yelping, or simply being there at the time. There have been so many of these animal assassinations that some have dubbed police officers “The Michael Vicks of law enforcement.”

Did you know that Jeffrey Dahmer started out on animals?

Ya feelin’ lucky, Fido? …probably not, I’m guessing.

“We need the ability to kill a wider array of animals. Like pretty much all animals, but definitely the ones that people keep as pets at least,” claims Lt. Frank Gordie of the Virginia Servers and Protectors Union. “Dogs? Gone. Cats? Boom. Snakes, lizards and other reptiles? Fuck you. Hamsters, gerbils, ferrets? Serve ’em as appetizers. All of this is in the name of safety, people.”

As larger police unions join the call for broader freedoms regarding the slaying of defenseless creatures, Haddock News offers the following advice: if you see a police officer, hide your pets. Seriously, Anne Frank those things. They can get killed on the spot for nothing at all. These cops are crazy like that.

For more on this story, click here, here, here, here, here, here and here.

Bennet Vindushali

Bennet Vindushali

If you're reading this, I'm probably dancing in an American flag thong. Or, I'm reporting vital information in an American flag thong. - Author's Full Bio

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