Political Correctness has admitted today (stood outside his London home) that he is ultimately responsible for the rise of UKIP. UKIP (a collective celebrating the stuff that drunk people say but regret the next day) was born the night after a party thrown for Mr Correctness in a Chelsea Loft during the early 1990’s.
‘The moment it happened, I knew I had failed!’ Wept the thirty-something middle-aged divorcee standing alone on the steps. ‘I knew what I’d done…I told Mr UKIP’ (then just a mescaline fuelled weevil at the bottom of a tequila bottle) ‘That if everyone admitted how nasty they all were on the inside we’d suddenly all have that in common, and it would bring us together like brothers.’
Mr Correctness went onto explain how his tireless work to try and make a the world all nice and cuddly had concentrated the bitterness of the nation and driven it into the exile of locker rooms and drunken philosophical conversations in pubs.
But now, some of those drunken people have staggered out into the morning light, donned yellow and purple rosettes and started talking in front of cameras.
‘If I’d only let people just do what comes naturally to them and speak their minds, it would have been fine. But squeezing 30years of bitterness and resentment about everyday ups and downs into the asshole of the UK like a Jalapeño suppository has caused a colossal fart of OTT prejudice and rhetoric. And it’s seductive…like that film of a seal shagging a penguin.’
At that point he collapsed on the pavement to cheers from the assembled Daily Mail reporters.