Poor Hygiene and Sporadic Violence are the Keys to Eternal Life

Dark Age Britains frightened Diseases away!

In Dark Ages Britain, everyone was a psycho warrior lunatic.

If you lived long enough to take your first steps you were doing well!

Killing was no more news than having baked beans for breakfast and nobody was nice enough to deserve the term ‘Goody!’

People were so frightening and dangerous that certain diseases avoided them like the plague.

In fact the plague was the only disease courageous enough to enter the country, Cholera, Malaria and TB both stayed away, preferring instead to decimate the French.

Syphilis didn’t even get a look in because everyone was so disgusting they couldn’t possibly have sex with one another preferring instead to procreate using the prevailing wind.

The smell was so bad that a common cause of death was having your head split open by an asphyxiated bird falling from the sky.

Scientists say that lessons can be learned from this.

“If you’re totally disgusting you’re likely to live longer!” Said Ben Smoot from Cambridge University. “Don’t wash your balls, brush your teeth or apply any kind of perfume and you’ll most likely live forever…unless you’re killed of course!” The latter he said whilst laughing maniacally and shining a green torch under his chin.

In addition to this the Cambridge team suggested that running around the country decapitating anyone who looks at you the wrong way could also keep you disease free.

“They admire it!” Said Paul Denby, a proctologist from Fife. “If you’re sufficiently dangerous, the diseases will simply sit back and enjoy the show, they applaud it!”

You heard it here folks, the only way to avoid catching diseases is to be more frightening than they are!