Pop Music Sensations One Direction to be Broken Up, Rebranded

One Direction: leaving behind a legacy of quality music and amazingly well-coordinated fashion.

One Direction: leaving behind a legacy of quality music and amazingly well-coordinated fashion.

Eardrums were set ablaze with the screams of preteen girls all across the globe this afternoon following the announcement that the recently-formed boy band One Direction is being “disbanded and refocused” by Columbia Records. The move has come as a complete shock to both fans and industry insiders, who believed the group to be on a meteoric rise after the smash success of their debut album Up All Night (Studying).

According to the press release issued by the label, aggregated social media and other analytical data showed that the members of the group “better serve the needs of Columbia individually, rather than as parts of a whole.” The release also provided the following breakdown of the split:

  • Niall Horan and Zayn Malik are to be reassigned to the group “The Boyfriends,” a Simon Cowell-led Syco Entertainment upstart rumored to be a “fresh, funky R&B quartet.”
  • Liam Payne has been assigned hosting duties on “Sky One Music Blast,” an adult-contemporary music review program airing next month on satellite.
  • Louis Tomlinson will act as assistant associate co-producer for next year’s series of The X-Factor (where the group was flippantly thrust into being).
  • Harry Styles will go into advertising and copywriting, as he has the personality of a celery stalk.

The group’s fans, known collectively as “Directioners,” “Directionites,” “Directionatadores” or “The New Bohemians,” have expressed piercing outrage online over Columbia’s decision. Lewis Reghello, the label VP assigned to One Direction, responded to fan criticisms somewhat casually, stating that “one thing [the fans] don’t seem to understand is that money is what makes these boys beautiful to us.” He was also quoted as saying “What are they so angry about? At first you had One Direction, now they’re splitting. There’s five of them; you get five directions! That’s better than left, right, forward and back. Now you get up too! Multiple directions, is what I’m driving at there.”

One Direction fans needn’t fear, however; a reunion tour is already in the works, one year from whatever proves to be the band’s actual break-up date.