Protect Your Privates!

A soldier has been courtmarshalled for requesting a shield. Private Matters, a Yorkshireman, asked his commanding officer Captain Fawcett-Mertravers, if it would be possible for him to carry a shield into battle in order to avoid bullets and other hazards. The Captain reported Private Matters for insolence in the field of combat, causing dissent amongst the ranks and being a bit silly. Jack Piffle, a publicist speaking on behalf of the accused suggested that his request was not so ridiculous. “The Romans had shields and they tended to win most of their battles! The British Army on the other hand have had more mixed success, especially in recent conflicts.”

“He’s got a point,” Suggested Benedict Wisdom, chief historian at Sevenoaks University. ” When the British Army used shields they tended to do rather well.  However, during such
battles as the Somme, the rather unusual tactic of walking towards live ammunition with no more protection than a moustache and a monocle could be viewed as a retrograde step. How different D-Day might have been if the Germans had been firing at a wall of shields instead of green material which is not bulletproof!” Private Matters has now been ejected from the army on the grounds of “Common Sense.” A book and film deal is sure to follow, as will an appearance on Dragon’s Den where he will be demonstrating his new invention! The Shield! Who knows… it might catch on!

 Good luck Private, the Haddock always admires inventiveness and controversy in all aspects of everyday life!