Record number of Americans moving under rocks to avoid how Fucked the country is

Politics have become the most horrid teeth-gnashing the nation has ever known, with both sides of the spectrum angling for nothing more than the complete demolition of freedom. The common citizen is a nasty, rude, essentially awful people to interact with. Kim Kardashian exists. All of these things are making the few remaining cool people in the USA completely mental. The massacre of nearly twenty innocent teachers and first-graders last Friday was simply the last straw for a large number of those people.

“I didn’t know how I’d feel, down here under this very large boulder,” claims Franz Putil, an Estonian-born US citizen. “But knowing what is going on above-ground, I have to say, I like it a lot. And this is coming from a man who has seen people have their limbs removed by horses in his native country. Fuck this noise, Jack!”

Indeed, Mr. Putil’s feelings are not unique; thousands of Americans have altogether abandoned their homes, jobs, families and lives in favor of digging underneath large slabs of rock and burying themselves entirely. “There’s no FOX, HLN or MSNBC down here!” exclaims Mary Brigsfelt, a former housewife-turned-subterranean dweller (or “Subbies” as they’ve been dubbed). “It’s like I went to heaven and didn’t even have to be the victim of a senseless act of unspeakable violence!”

While under their rocks, most of this new wave of Subbies seem to be enjoying their disconnected manner of existence. Martin Villanova, a Subbie in Wildoak, Arkansas, claims the time he’s spent under his rock has been the most productive two months of his life. “I’ve been re-writing the lyrics to ‘Imagine’ by John Lennon. I don’t know how I’m going to record it, being here under this rather large stone, but the lyrics came out great!” Here are a few of those updated lyrics:

Imagine there’s no Congress
No Dems or Repubs
No mentally unstable rich kids
Firing dozens of slugs

Imagine all the people
who could just be left the fuck alone…
Jesus, fucking Christ.

you may say I’m a dreamer
and by now I’d say your right
I’m moving under a rock now
so maybe I can sleep tonight.

Mr. Villanova plans to merrily sing this and other reworked songs, to himself, under his rock, forever, and ever and ever, until the nuclear holocaust occurs to sweep him into an even more complete state of nothingness (which will be an even more perfect escape from the god-forsaken conditions in these United States of shitfuckery). Here’s to you, Mayans! Don’t let your calendar fail us now!