Return of the Harmless Pervert

Government scientists have unveiled a new strategy to try and help combat the increasing blight of sex offenders despoiling the English landscape. Under new proposals to be debated in Parliament next Wednesday a team of top boffins propose to clone and reintroduce The Harmless Pervert, a species extinct in Britain since the late 1970s. Project leader, Professor Bino Beardywierdo, told The Haddock; “Given the high number of ‘nasty and unfunny’ sex attacks such as rape and paedophilia we propose to introduce a far more benign breed which we hope will challenge and eventually surpass the menace posed by the more malignant nonces. The Harmless Pervert, as anybody familiar with the comedy sketch shows of the 1960s and 70s will realise, confines its offences to simply going ‘phoar!’ whenever an attractive woman walks past, accompanied by the sound of a swannee whistle. At worst the breed will attempt to pursue its quarry to the accompaniment of fast playing ‘yackety sax’ music but after going out of sight behind a tree the Pervert will invariably find the tables turned and he himself will be chased around the park by the same scantily clad woman who was previously his prey.â€