Richie Incognito ordered to undergo balloon therapy

For wellness.

For wellness.

Bullying is real. Carpeting is real. Fake flowers are real, insomuch as that they exist. Schrödinger flowers both exist and don’t exist at the same time. Bullying hurts.

If you’re a bully, you’re an asshole. This goes double for people who are paid an exorbitant amount of money to run around and jump on each other for a few hours a week. That is why the notorious gobshite of American football known as Richie Incognito has been suspended indefinitely, pending his completion of a balloon therapy program.

Incognito is to Misnomer as Condoms are to the “Family Planning” section of Wal-Mart

With numerous infractions both on and off the field, it would appear that Incognito never bothered to look up his surname in the dictionary. In reality, the man has been a walking “fuck you” everyone in the National Football League since the day he put down the beer, strapped on his pads, and then picked up the beer again.

When his natural douche-baggery spilled over into the realm of full-on bullying (following multiple incidents with rookie teammate Johnathan Martin), it became clear that balloon treatment would be the only viable means of handling Incognito’s chronic dickishness.

In an isolation chamber that blocks all light and sound, Mr. Incognito now finds himself suspended amongst dozens of multicolored, ultra-durable party balloons. He attempts to flail himself in a childish tantrum, but all that is achievable is the childlike weeping.

Post-treatment, Incognito will likely never play professional football again. The therapy balloons will likely bathe themselves daily for the rest of their time on Earth. None of this will have meant anything in a few weeks.

Sex is a better contact sport than American football; hopefully Richie Incognito is never allowed to play that either.

Bennet Vindushali

Bennet Vindushali

If you're reading this, I'm probably dancing in an American flag thong. Or, I'm reporting vital information in an American flag thong. - Author's Full Bio

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