Fat swimmers are causing the sea level to rise, there’s no doubt about it and if you think that’s wrong then you’re disagreeing with Archimedes and that’s never a good idea.
Rising sea levels have been linked to melting ice caps which, according to some nutritionists and health officials is just a convenient excuse for the fact that people are getting fatter and when they go swimming it makes the water rise.
“This fact is indisputable!” said Professor Michelle Baker of the Californian Nutritional Institute. “We’ve got rising sea levels, we’ve got more fat people… do the math!”
She’s right, to a greater or lesser extent she is certainly right.
“Not only that!” She added. “When the fat people get out of the water and walk up the beach, they start pushing the land down, which makes the sea go up as well!”
Holy cow…that’s right too!
Opponents to this theory point out that people in Africa are getting thinner so why doesn’t it balance out? They also pointed out that the population is growing and ‘all people’ not just fat people are responsible.
“Yeah! But Fat people are more responsible!” Countered Professor Baker. “That’s like saying that chickens are more dangerous than Pythons!” *
*actually it’s got fuck all to do with that, it’s not an analogy that we at The Haddock, subscribe to!
“What about fat animals? Surely they’re just as responsible! What about seals?” Argues Benedict Milton from an obesity think-tank based in a pie shop.
“Animals aren’t getting fatter! The fat people are eating them! That doesn’t hold water!” Screamed Professor Baker, so loud it distorted the whole Skype session and popped one of our speakers.
Whilst it is true that non-domestic animals like seals are not getting fatter, there is also little evidence to suggest that global obesity is caused by the over consumption of seal meat by fat people!
That’s just silly.
However, before we start hauling fat people out of the oceans, let’s just remember that the whole thing is, in all likelihood, linked to the fact that the Belgians have been blow-torching the North Pole for no good reason since the 1950’s …