Vince Cable, a man whose name is real and was not pulled from a Young Adult fiction novel, is also the business secretary of the United Kingdom. As such, he is the man in charge of making sure the Royal Mail delivers live, healthy snakes to over 29 million homes across the country.
With the Royal Mail being phased into private ownership, some in the public have been concerned that their snake deliveries will be affected in the transition. Mr. Cable was quick to calm the fears of the public:
“Every person in this country has different needs in regards to fresh, living snakes. Some people acquire new snakes only once a month, and others nearly every weekday. As secretary of business, I am here to assure you that there will be zero interruption in snake deliveries as privatization is implemented.”
During the question and answer portion of his address, the secretary continued to make the case:
“I am a man who has a standing order of two copperheads, an eastern coral, a black mamba every other week. I know how important these reptiles are to the good people of the UK. I vow that not a single corn snake, cobra, python, water moccasin, boa constrictor, or rattlesnake will be late, non-delivered, or dead on arrival throughout the entirety of this transition to privatization.”
While most urban dwellers do not appear to be concerned, some in rural areas of the country are fearful. “People in the city think direct-to-home snake deliveries are all fun and games,” claims one farmer. “Try depending on those snakes to put food on the table for a family of six! …that’s not what happens here, but just try imagining it!”