Russia to begin adopting out mail-order Brides

"Come play catch with me daddy!"

“Come play catch with me daddy!”

The recent decision by the Russian government to discontinue infant adoption services to American families was a terrible blow to many couples in the US seeking children. But fear not! Ever a resourceful people in the face of obstruction, several men with open shirts, gold medallions and the spirit of entrepreneurship have began to offer the very best next thing: mail-order bride adoptions!

Haddock News caught up with Yurislad, one of founders of HotAdopt.com:

For a mere $450,000, you get Anya! She cook, she clean, wash clothing. She just like American baby! And like all baby, you don’t like Anya, you throw her away to trash can! We send you new Anya! You find no better deal on all of internet!”

Government officials in Moscow have condemned the practice, but concede that it is technically legal under Russia’s Look The Other Way On Human Trafficking Resolution of 2009.

Reaction from prospective adopters in the US is mixed. “Adoption in this country is insanely difficult,” claims one mother-in-waiting. “So while I was really hoping for an infant, I’ll take pretty much anything human at this point.”

“I wanted a son,” grunts her husband. He crosses his arms and sighs.

This should probably factor into the immigration debate, but since the people emigrating aren’t from South America, Central America, or any nearby islands, no one really cares.