A recent report into the problems of queueing at Heathrow airport has revealed that some queues actually take longer than flights.”I queued for two hours for a flight to Scotland!” Said Jane Templeton from Bedford. “The flight is only an hour and ten minutes!”
This seems ridiculous but what is even more crazy is that some queues are so long that it is actually possible to take a flight from one end to the other, a fact not overlooked by Michael O’Leary of Ryanair.
His company are offering short flights to the front of the queue using tiny indoor helicopters.
Because the aircraft are so small they slip through a number of tax breaks and legal loopholes landing neatly at the front of the queue.
Mr O’Leary has had special helicopter landing pads built at the queueing points so his craft can land safely without decapitating members of the public.
The enterprising Irishman has also offered to fly passengers to other airports where the queues are shorter so long as they promise to use the paid toilets and buy a snack on the flight.
Jumping on the bandwagon, Easy jet is now offering a queuing holiday where you and your entire family can queue for two weeks in a specially designed queueing resort complete with sunlamps, cocktails and corrupt police officers.
“It’s just like being in the Bahamas,” said David Parsons, a queue-tripper from Truro in Cornwall. “It’s lovely and warm, you get to chat to the other queuers about how dreadful it all is … very cathartic!”
One forward-thinking luggage manufacturer has even developed a suitcase that folds out into a mini departure-lounge with flight monitors, pointless announcements and an overpriced vending machine.
So popular are the new queuing holidays that there’s a six-week waiting list to get on one, although Ryanair are looking into a budget time-machine which might bring this down to three!