Sachin Tendulkar is that rare breed of athlete: he’s is the absolute best at what he does, he’s a gentleman in the streets, and he’s a freak in the sheets. By all accounts he’s the total package, beloved by every Indian person alive, and to top it all off he really digs the band Dire Straits. There is literally nothing negative you can say about this brilliant cricketing bastard.
…Or is there!!
…seriously, is there?
While Tendulkar has dazzled audiences with his command of the (sort of) sport of Cricket since the age of 16, he hasn’t always had such precise control of his bowels. While traveling in 2010, it has been confirmed that Sachin was seen defecating into a fountain outside a hotel in Australia.
The Thruster Down Under!
Apparently suffering from a sudden case of food poisoning, Tendulkar was photographed late one night dropping a deuce into a decorative water display at the Langham Resort in Melbourne. His shame was swift and apparent, as he splashed the watery mess around immediately after the incident. He did not do a good job covering his tracks.
Now you might ask yourself: is this true? And if it is, is it newsworthy? The answer to both questions is a resounding ‘NO’. However, Mr. Tendulkar is essentially the Michael Jordan of India, he’s retiring, and God damn it we can’t find a single thing to fuck with him on. He’s a super nice guy, he’s a ridiculously good low-impact athlete, and he loves his mother.
We would kill for a photo of him eating beef right now.
And so, because he’s so incredibly awesome both on and off the pitch, we’re sticking to our ridiculous story about Sachin Tendulkar shitting into Australian aquatic frippery. We are absolutely certain that he won’t care, because he’s a motherfucking boss and doesn’t have any interest in reading this stupid website.