Sales are Picking Up

A high street stationary chain has taken radical new action to improve levels of customer satisfaction by asking its staff to prostitute themselves to members of the public who spend £20 or more in their shops. The trial scheme being rolled out today by Penlid and Sharpleton’s, which has over thirty stores in the UK alone will see shop workers performing a number of sex acts on high spending consumers after the chain finished third from bottom in a survey of high street shops rated for service satisfaction. Company CEO Enis Sharpleton told The Haddock; “These are tough economic times and we cannot afford to be anything less than competitive. By treating our staff like whores to be used as little more than pleasure objects for people who come in to buy stationary we can put Penlid and Sharpleton’s right back at the tope of the tree where it belongs. Besides, most of the staff here are young girls on minimum wage who live in council houses so if they didn’t work here they’d probably be out on the game anyway. Don’t print that last part by the way, you’ll get me into trouble. What do you mean you are going to print it? Look, don’t be silly, what if I arrange a little freebie from one of my shop girls? What do you mean no, are you gay or something? Don’t print that bit either – oh look, now you’re just being an arse.â€