The above is an excerpt from the wonderfully colorful new program Scared Vegan, the Earth First-endorsed offshoot of the popular (and highly successful) documentary series Scared Straight. Much like previous installments of the series, the show offers an unfiltered view of convicted felons as they attempt to impact the lives of at-risk youth. However in this incarnation, the inmates warn against the physical and moralistic dangers of a diet which includes animal-derived products.
“How much beef you got lodged in yo’ colon fuckboy?!” shouts inmate Terence Gillis, staring directly into the eyes of a 15-year-old shoplifter. “You think you can slip by wita hamburger if you cover it up with a couple leafy greens?! Arugula aint gon’ save you in here pussyboy!!”
According to a representative of Current TV, the cable news potluck created by Al Gore, Scared Vegan is a show that “grabs meat-eaters by the man-meat and motivates them to meet meat half-way, when it is still moving.” Current TV is known for it’s promotion of left-leaning political views, which are almost non-existent in American news reporting and popular culture.
The program is set to air sometime in February. To celebrate it’s launch, Current TV plans to donate one hundred pigs to the Washington State Department of Corrections. “The pigs may be dead,” claims our Current TV source, “but at least we saved them before becoming nourishment.” The inmates who participate in the mentoring program will be allowed to conduct proper burials of the animals, followed by a seven course meal consisting solely of carrots.