There are many good scientists in the world, but their reputation is being tainted by a small group of undesirables who seem to be blowing huge amounts of public money on hypothesis which are just common sense.
In a recent study scientists were apparently able to prove that smiling improves happiness.
The also confirmed, once and for all, that monkeys do like bananas and a dog will wag its tail more if you give it a stick.
A team at the University of Sevenoaks published a paper last autumn outlining a theory that water was good for thirsty people and that it may indeed have hidden health benefits.
All this against a back drop of conflicting newspaper headlines telling us that chocolate is good for the heart, when mixed with red wine, but actually maybe not, no…it is really…er, no it isnt… etc.
Now it’s fair to say that many of these lunatics have been contained in facilities such as Laboratoire Garnier where they can blow someone else’s cash with their baseless claims but all too many of are sucking up Joe Public’s money on pointless research.
Scientists to Investigate why Scientists can’t get laid!
The final straw was a UK-wide campaign launched last year to investigate why very few people want to have sex with a scientist (with the possible exception of other scientists that is).
A fantastically expensive poll of perverts, degenerates and serial porn addicts was carried out.
The results were about as predictable as the sun coming up…that’s quite predictable!
Of those asked 70% said they would like their partner to dress up as a cheer leader, 25% as a naughty teacher but only 0.5% implied that wearing a lab coat would turn them on.
It turns out that the 0.5% was actually a statistical anomaly caused by scientists taking part in the poll.
This exercise cost the tax payer an estimated £200 million in cash and the question could quite simply have been answered as follows.
“Why would I want to stick my dick into a person who smells of chlorine, buys all their clothes from a catalogue and talks incessantly about their work as it if it is something that may give me an erection?”
That cost nothing!
With this in mind The Haddock will has asked for a government grant to help develop a means test to try and weed out pointless experiments.
We were immediately turned down but our subsequent request for a £50 million to try and figure out why birds don’t fly upside down was approved within half an hour!