Scientists must stop researching Bullshit and make Fun Stuff!

Dark energy doesn’t get you laid

It was announced this morning that due to the effects of dark energy the Universe is accelerating.

Where is it going? What does it matter? How will this affect the number of times a person has sex each day and their chances of a raise?

If you want dark energy watch Star Wars!

This is another example of scientists wasting research money on utter bullshit! It needs to stop!

The Universe, fascinating as it is, is too far away for anyone to ever reach ever and they know it!

“We might as well spend a billion pounds studying a plate of beans!” Said Professor Heinrich Flank of Berlin University.

He’s right!

While these deluded eggheads clog up the news with their meaningless discoveries, we still don’t have hover-boards, flying cars, Replicators, Holo-decks and fleshy robot women for guilt-free sex!

Genius Mathematicians spent 200 years trying to establish whether or not a 3 dimensional shape could be multiplied by itself to create larger 3 dimensional shapes (Fermat’s last theorem).

“If I was paying a bunch of genius mathematicians for two centuries you can be damn sure I’d want more to show for it than the answer to one lousy sum!” Said a really angry business guy from Texas we met.

It’s time that geniuses were forced to do useful stuff, after all that’s what they’re for! To say otherwise is in direct contradiction of Darwin’s theory (A scientist told us that so it must be true!).

From now on all pointless, silly projects about molecules and exo-planets will be shut down and the super nerds will be made to work on fun stuff!

Project 1: Orgasm chewing-gum!