Scotland Lard

Fat policemen are to be instructed to vary their beat due to pavement trenching. Westminster Council have warned Scotland yard that if they persist in sending large men to walk the same circuit every day they will be billed for damage to council property. Weathering by portly coppers or ‘Trenching’ as it is known has led to some pedestrian walkways becoming concave to the extent that rainwater is being diverted away from it’s natural course with the result that some premises have been flooded. The main culprit, PC Simon Suet, who’s boots alone cost more tax-payers money than one of his colleagues entire uniforms, has been asked not to patrol the same street more than once a month. so huge is Mr Suet that the effect of him walking down an average road on a day by day basis has been likened to that of an archaeological dig. ‘He’s got more chance of encountering a fossil than a felon,’ joked one council member. If the action goes ahead, Westminster council stand to save thousands of pounds. It is just as well because they’ll need the cash in order to fight a series of law suits filed by various eateries situated along Mr Suet’s previous beat.