Sequestration spells an end to Hawaiian Shirt Friday

Sequestration has hit the United States like a ton of feathers. Much like the ending of the Mayan calendar, the world has not imploded completely…unless you’re a government worker who really, really loves Hawaiian shirts.

“The world has imploded completely!” shouts Heather Florentina, a tax inspector in Idaho. Much like her colleagues, Ms. Florentina is devastated over the affect Sequestration is having on her office. Mainly, the cancellation of “Hawaiian Shirt Friday.”

Though the Sequester does literally fuck-all to address the nation’s long-term spending problems, it does create a number of minor inconveniences for those on the government payroll. No more birds of paradise floral print button-downs are sadly among those inconveniences.

“If they take away the Tuesday ice cream social, I quit!”

Other services being axed due to the Sequester include dog walking services for public transit workers and storybook tea parties for local comptrollers.

“Sequestration sets a really dangerous precedent,” claims Tantito, the clairvoyant economist. “It’s eventually going to get to the point where the government wont be able to afford to hold people’s dicks while they piss. Who will hold their dicks for them if the government cannot?? Who?! Who will hold the dicks?!

In lieu of Americans being able to hold their own dicks without government assistance, The Haddock’s own Dr. Swivel is willing to hold any urinators in need of assistance. #HaddockCares