Sex Addiction? Yes Please!

By Ed Chilvers

Health campaigners will today present a petition to Downing Street demanding the government provides better access to sex addiction clinics. The campaign has been organised by Sidney Leer, a sixty-one year old bus driver who believes the lack of a sex addiction for millions of Britain is having a detrimental effect on their health and wellbeing. Mr Leer told The Haddock; “It seems I can’t open a newspaper or gossip magazine without having to read about some US celebrity who can’t stop themselves from having sex with some glamorous, buxom young lady. I say bring some of that my way, what I wouldn’t give to have a sex addiction. I’ve been married to my wife for forty years and I last had sex in 1997. What we want from this petition is the right for me and my Marjorie to go and see a counsellor and perhaps take some golfing, acting or singing lessons along with a bit of plastic surgery and some class A drugs. After this we’ll be going at it hammer and tongs and I can go ahead and cash my pension because I’ll have died a happy man by sixty-five.â€