Sex No Longer Wanted

Explicit sexual content is to be phased out from all forms of the media due to a wholesale lack of interest it was announced today. Agreement was reached after an extraordinary meeting of television, newspaper and magazine bosses. New evidence has shown that the proliferation of sexual imagery has devalued the currency to such an extent  that it is no longer an affective  means of garnering subscribers. Sex, as one insider put it, has ‘literally passed its sell by date‘.

The overwhelming use of nude or semi-nude women and the suggestion of their sexual availability  was flagged up in polls as being a particular turn-off for punters. Tiny pants and bras with the attendant flaunting of piercings and tattoos – especially those on the base of the spine –  has also proved to be terminally off-putting; whilst the thrusting of plastic breasts and buttocks, random crotch-shots, protruding nipples and oral simulations were declared ‘almost risible if they weren’t so massively bloody tedious’. 

A media spokesperson, bootylicious Tallulah, 23, said: ‘Trouble is, everyone’s at it nowadays. When you think about it, they always have been. There’s nothing new about it. It’s just boring after a bit. Do you know what I mean?’