Explicit sexual content is to be phased out from all forms of the media due to a wholesale lack of interest it was announced today. Agreement was reached after an extraordinary meeting of television, newspaper and magazine bosses. New evidence has shown that the proliferation of sexual imagery has devalued the currency to such an extent that it is no longer an affective means of garnering subscribers. Sex, as one insider put it, has â€˜literally passed its sell by dateâ€˜.
The overwhelming use of nude or semi-nude women and the suggestion of their sexual availability was flagged up in polls as being a particular turn-off for punters. Tiny pants and bras with the attendant flaunting of piercings and tattoos – especially those on the base of the spine – has also proved to be terminally off-putting; whilst the thrusting of plastic breasts and buttocks, random crotch-shots, protruding nipples and oral simulations were declared â€˜almost risible if they werenâ€™t so massively bloody tediousâ€™.
A media spokesperson, bootylicious Tallulah, 23, said: â€˜Trouble is, everyoneâ€™s at it nowadays. When you think about it, they always have been. Thereâ€™s nothing new about it. Itâ€™s just boring after a bit. Do you know what I mean?â€™