Shallow Dolphin only responds to Attractive Trainers


Howard swims away, doing the dolphin flipper signal for "WOOOAAHH BUSTED FACE!!"

Howard swims away, doing the dolphin flipper signal for “WOOOAAHH BUSTED FACE!!”

The South Florida Museum’s Parker Aquarium in Bradenton, Florida is best known for Snooty, the international manatee superstar. However this week, it’s one of Snooty’s fellow aquatic mammals that’s been getting most of the attention: Howard, a 21-year-old dolphin who only appears interested in working with trainers that can be scientifically classified as “smoking hot.”

“It’s like, so weird and junk,” claims trainer Bethany Campbell – one of the on-site trainers to whom Howard the dolphin responds. Of the Parker Aquarium staff, only four resident trainers have been deemed acceptable by Howard: three female trainers, and one young male trainer named Lance, who is said to be “deeply connected” to Howard.

Several speculative theories explaining Howard’s odd behavior have been suggested. The most commonly accepted one is that the animal’s previous trainer, an Australian man, was quite heavy (so much so that he would eventually become a contestant on that country’s version of “The Biggest Loser”*). As such, perhaps Howard had simply never been exposed to attractive people in his formative years. Another theory involves the way that Howard’s brain relays information to different parts of his body, but that has been declared a shit hypothesis.

The one thing about Howard’s “condition” that is certain is that it’s seriously pissing off Parker Aquarium’s Chief of Staff, Ms. Gretchen Spinsterbaum. “We didn’t pay some shady Australian stoner $25,000 so that this bottlenosed prick could hang around chasing ass and titties like an aquatic DJ Assault! He’s supposed to be rehabilitating children with autism! Posing for Lisa Frank folders! Crying on cue to that Live song! Where is the money in this?!”

Howard is on public display from 11am-4pm daily; brown paper bags with the eyes cut out are provided free of charge to aesthetically-challenged guests.

* = …entitled “The Biggest Loser (Say it With an Australian Accent)”