Simon Cowell gives thumbs down to sex with Friend’s Wife

#BlametheVag

#BlametheVag

It recently came to light that not only is Simon Cowell an asshole, but actually a complete fucking asshole. Fucking a good friend’s wife and knocking her up will often cause such a distinction.

In a bold move, plumbing the depths of celebrity douchiness, Cowell has offered a signature critique of the sexual encounter(s) he shared with socialite arm-piece Laura Silverman:

“The sex was just dreadful. Really, really awful sex. I don’t know what she was trying to do with her mouth there, but it would’ve been put to better use raking leaves. I can’t believe the encounter was arousing enough for me to have impregnated her.”

Randy Jackson responds: “It was okay, dawg.”

Cowell was obviously good friends with Mrs. Silverman, but also with Mr. Silverman, also known as “The Man That Makes Simon A Sancho!”

Cowell’s mother offered a message of cheer for her son (who she affectionately refers to as “Mister Pricklehole”): “I don’t know if it’s true or not, but if it is, it’s lovely! He’ll be just wonderful in the broken home he’s created with what’s-her-name. We’re people of god in this family.”

The baby will be born via C-section to avoid the acid it will surely be spewing getting on Lady Silverman’s vaginal walls.

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Bernard Floater

Bernard Floater

Keep it brief...my prostate is weeping! - Author Bio

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