It recently came to light that not only is Simon Cowell an asshole, but actually a complete fucking asshole. Fucking a good friend’s wife and knocking her up will often cause such a distinction.
In a bold move, plumbing the depths of celebrity douchiness, Cowell has offered a signature critique of the sexual encounter(s) he shared with socialite arm-piece Laura Silverman:
“The sex was just dreadful. Really, really awful sex. I don’t know what she was trying to do with her mouth there, but it would’ve been put to better use raking leaves. I can’t believe the encounter was arousing enough for me to have impregnated her.”
Cowell was obviously good friends with Mrs. Silverman, but also with Mr. Silverman, also known as “The Man That Makes Simon A Sancho!”
Cowell’s mother offered a message of cheer for her son (who she affectionately refers to as “Mister Pricklehole”): “I don’t know if it’s true or not, but if it is, it’s lovely! He’ll be just wonderful in the broken home he’s created with what’s-her-name. We’re people of god in this family.”
The baby will be born via C-section to avoid the acid it will surely be spewing getting on Lady Silverman’s vaginal walls.
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