Sir Alex Ferguson admits to taking Management-Enhancing drugs

One gulp, no water.

One gulp, no water.

Sir Alex Ferguson is the most successful manager in British football history. He’s won over thirty trophies, he’s battled communism, and he once shared the stage with Sting for a very special rendition of “Fields of Gold.”*

His status as a titan of football management may be eternally tarnished however. In a recent interview with BBC Radio 5’s own Oprah Winfrey, Sir Fergie made a most shocking revelation: that like so many other false greats of our time, he too has taken performance-enhancing drugs. In his case, ones that turn him into the guy from A Beautiful Mind (Football Edition).

“What started as an occasional juicing while watching highlight clips became more and more regular,” claims Ferguson. “At its worst, I found myself thinking up new ways to be a scary bastard to players while sitting in Lance Armstrong’s bathtub during a three-day juicing party. Jude Law was there.” (He dabs the corner of his eye with a kerchief)

In all, Ferguson estimates that five of his twelve Premiere League trophies were won with the help of management enhancers. In addition to those are the 2009 League Cup, the 1999 Inter-Continental Cup, and every FA Community Shield victory.

Once the news went public, Manchester United quickly rushed a statement to the media: “As everyone knows, this organization abides by a strict moral code. We play fair at all times. As such, Sir Alex Ferguson will be allowed to stay with the team, but from now on, he will only be permitted to communicate via carrier pigeon.”

* – The proceeds did not go to charity.