Smokers must shout ‘Murderer’ at the shopkeeper when buying Cigarettes

You killed me you bastard!

You killed me Mr Shop keeper!

A new government initiative to reduce the number of smokers has concluded that creating a very embarrassing, thought-provoking and uncomfortable stand-off in the shop may help deter smokers from buying cigarettes.

From monday, shopkeepers and staff will not be allowed to sell cigarettes to anyone unless they stand on a chair and shout the word ‘Murderer’ at the top of their voice.

In this way the smoker is directly, and unfairly accusing the vendor of killing them and this is likely to cause, at the very least, serious acrimony and at worst it may lead to a violent death for one or both parties.

How does this help people give up smoking?

Well, the theory goes that accusing random strangers of killing you is socially unacceptable behavior that puts one or more person’s lives at risk (just like smoking in fact).

In this way the smoker can experience more directly what it feels like to be close to a painful death and eventually the fear of doing so will force them to give up the fags!

The phrase may change from time to time in the same way that the health warnings on cigarettes change.

Some days you may have to shout ‘You’re Killing me you Bastard!’


‘Look, he’s profiting from my death!’

or even

‘Feel the Shame…Friend of Cancer!’

Strong stuff, but so is tobacco!

Despite the undoubtedly extreme methodology here, experts agree it’s a bit of a long shot!

Curiously another plan involving cigarette packets which are impossible to open except by incinerating them has been shelved.