Snide Before a Fall! The Grumpy Brit Awards!

Aaron Eyehills

Aaron Eyehills

The UK’s rudest people were out in force last night for the biannual Haddock-sponsored Snide of Britain Awards. In a glittering ceremony attended by all ranks of the embittered and the unreasonable, Transport worker  from Solihull took home the much coveted Snottiest Bus Driver award after he sat in his booth and watched contemptuously as nonagenarian World War II veteran Arthur Worthyman struggled with six full bags of shopping to board the double-decker Dennis then tripped on the step and fractured his hip. Mr Worthyman, who lost a leg during the Normandy Landings, was then refused transport to the local hospital by Eyehills on the grounds that he ‘wasn’t looking straight at the camera’ on his bus pass photograph. Later on in the evening sixteen year old B&Q worker Chasney Chantrytown won the Most Condescending Shop Worker title after her sterling work in fixing any customer who asked her the most innocuous of questions with a look of the most undisguised malice before flouncing to the tills and pressing the button for the supervisor, all the while glaring at the member of public like they were an elongated dog dirt who’d just wandered uninvited into her house and started blowing cigarette smoke into the face of her three month old daughter. Forty-nine year old call centre supervisor Carolinia Goosygander was awarded the ‘most obscene boss’ gong after subjecting her team of seven to an hourly tirade of self-esteem destroying abuse, petty backstabbing and malicious lies in revenge for God forcing her to go through the menopause. But the highlight of the evening undoubtedly came when sixty-three year old post office teller Alfred Scratchcard was presented with the David Starkey Lifetime Achievement award. In a career spanning over forty-five years the diminiutive Scratchcard, who stands at four foot eleven, has expanded his visceral Napoleon complex almost to an art form, using his cramped kiosk in Worthing to basically fight a one man war against the entire human race regardless of age, sex, creed or colour. Pensioner Ethel Hunchback, who has been a customer at the branch for over thirty years told the Haddock; “I’ve been a customer at the branch for over thirty years and no matter what the weather, come rain or shine, in times of plenty or in times of economic despair Alfred is always there, going out of his way not to help you, scowling, gritting his teeth and basically treating everybody he comes into contact with like they’re a barely primordial life-form blasted straight down from the planet Gamma-Scumbucket IX.â€