Do you think you are so ugly that you only have sex with drunk people? Are you totally convinced that people will only have sex with you if they are so hammered you’d be better off cutting a hole into a side of beef and slipping it a length instead?
If so, a new device designed to control alcoholic criminals may just have come to your rescue.
Put it on a prospective coital flatmate and it will instantly tell everybody if they’re pissed or not!
Gone are the days of keeping a Breathalyzer on your bedside table or forcing partners to walk in a straight line for ten feet prior to penetration.
Now this handy device will quickly tell you if it’s ‘Whole lotta love’ or ‘I’d just love a little hole!’
Simply strap it around the ankle of the person to whom you’d like to show your bathroom apparatus (and into who’s trouser gym you’re simply dying to enroll ) and quickly establish if it’s ‘good vibrations’ or ‘rude inebriations.’
Always remember there is much honour in wanking and that it neither requires breakfast nor small-talk and a hug the following day!
After all, it kept Robinson Crusoe sane for years!
Don’t give your spunk to a drunk, Don’t open your your legs to the dregs.
Let science guide your trouser car into the peachy garage of love, let technology feed your lonely rabbit an honorable and deserving carrot.
Sobriety bracelets bring honest mingers together and send the fit people home alone to wallow amidst the painful truth that their damaged personalities cannot even earn them a charity shag!