Sony’s Playstation 4 to offer the same shit with more pixels

"There are gunna be enough pixels in this thing that you'll be able to line 'em up and snort 'em."

“There are gunna be enough pixels in this thing that you’ll be able to line ’em up and snort ’em.”

Sony rocked the video gaming world last week: it’s releasing yet another incarnation of the Playstation! AMAZING! Oh man, hard cocks galore with that piece of information!

Yes it’s true, the new Playstation 4 is on the way. Gamers around the world have shifted to the edge of their seats in salacious anticipation. But what will make the system new and innovative? What will make it special?

According to a source within Sony, the most unbelievable element of the Playstation 4 “is the fact that these idiots are going to pay for it.”

Of course, as top notch journalists, we at The Haddock grilled our Sony connection, pressing for more. “Essentially there are going to be like, lots of pixels,” claims the source. “Sooooo many more pixels than we have now. Other than that…um…is some one burning toast nearby?”

Higher-ups at Sony were quick to refute the source’s claims. According to an official statement from the company: “We’ve got plenty of new things going into this bitch-hog! There’s going to be a share button! A SHARE BUTTON! Your friends are going to be able to watch your off-day day-wasting in real-time! WE ARE INNOVATORS!”

In an effort to assist the painted-ourselves-into-a-corner-ass R&D department at Sony, we at The Haddock would like to suggest a few features that might actually make the Playstation 4 worthwhile:

  1. Ball Warmer – A heatpad on the controller to provide soothing comfort while freaking out over a round of Call of Duty 12: Fuck Diplomacy. This is vital for all new gaming systems really.
  2. Nanotech Implants – It’s time for Sony to get real about cutting out the middle-man and implanting their consoles directly into player’s skulls.
  3. Cutlery Set – for when players are hungry for a spicy tuna roll.
  4. I’m hungry for a spicy tuna roll.

Okay, article adjourned. Go out and buy a Playstation 4, but make sure to support the farmers who grow your video games. Buy locally grown games if possible, and consider starting a war garden of your own. Clever tie-in to the game Garden of War, coming soon to the Playstation 4? Yes, because I’m clever. Unfortunately I don’t know if it’s a real thing or not.

Oh right, tuna roll. Goodnight now.