Starbucks offer Colonic Latte!

 

You can shove your Morning Coffee up your Ass!

You can shove your Morning Coffee up your Ass!

Portland,OR – The commuters of downtown Portland are witnessing an all too familiar site; the opening of yet another Starbucks franchise.People wait at a long line, placing orders, and waiting for their names to be called.The only difference is, instead of a coffee cup being served to the waiting businessman or student, a large douchbag and nozzle is handed over the counter.The tables have been replaced by individual stalls housing a toilet and bidet. This Starbucks is serving coffee, as in coffee colonics.The trend to drink coffee the ‘other way’ is catching on among celebrities, athletes, and regular health conscious consumers.“We basically reversed our business model.” explained the Starbucks Vice President of Product Development. “We also eliminated the middle man; that being one’s mouth. Our coffee rapidly ends up in the toilet anyhow. We simply sped up the process.” It was also noted that they hope this will pull Starbucks’s stock price “out of the sewer” and “flush out” their competition.As far as doing colonics with other people around in a crowed store, one CEO commented, “I’m surrounded by assholes and douchbags all day long, so I don’t mind the close quarters of the Starbucks.”People mainly feel refreshed afterward. “I have to deal with enough crap throughout my day, as least this gives me a head start,” said one business woman on her way to work. She further noted, “It’s nice to have a company take MY shit for a change.” Colonic enthusiast Jack Osborne, known for being full of crap, is pushing for a franchise near his Los Angeles home.It looks like Starbucks will be coming to our neighborhoods once again. Detractors have begun protesting against Starbucks policy of driving away small businesses, such as ‘Crap Shoots,’ a small town operation in Northern California. “I’ve been in the business of one’s ‘business’ for years, and I’m not going to squat idly by while some aggressive corporation dumps themselves next door.Overall, reviews are generally favorable. One patron summed up his opinion, and many others, by stating, “It’s finally nice to enjoy Starbucks Coffee, without that burnt, ash-tray taste!”