Stop Inserting My Cleaning Supplies!

Would you stop that please?!

Would you stop that please?!

Look, I get it. We humans are sexually perverse individuals, we like kinky shit, yadda yadda yadda. None of this equals up to me being okay with you sticking my bottle of Windex up your ass.

I understand the titillation attached to the idea of a sexy maid: young, nubile, foreign and subservient. I love the paradigm so much that I sometimes pretend that I’m still married, just to add another layer to the cake. The sexier the maid the better, the drunker the me, the usual.

I live for this. The domestic employer/employee relationship is the only reason I’m still brokering insurance policies for a living. I spend all my money on this one concession to my curbed lecherousness.

That being said, I will never understand the sexual stimulation attached to inserting unconventional items into one’s orifices. In the case of my succulent young custodial stereotype, it happens to be household cleansing products.

Why Ursula?! Why do you yearn for the cold metal of the Ajax?!

I humbly ask both my home and office cleaning staff to refrain from stuffing themselves in this manner. Most especially since there are perfectly good cocks to sit on around here, yet no one does! Sit on the cocks first!!

UPDATE – After speaking with a man known only as “The Pussy Whisperer,” I have found the counterpoint argument to my opinion. He informed me that he enjoys the idea of inserted cleaning items, as they are often passable facsimiles to large, hard penises. “It takes the dick out, so there’s not even a hint of gayness in my masturbatory endeavors.” I acknowledge this to be a valid opinion.