Stop Masturbating and Watch the News Says Government!

Beautiful News Readers cause us to reach into our pants and ignore current affairs!

Don’t Wank over Fit News Readers!

People are misinformed about the world and not keeping up with current events because they masturbate during news broadcasts according to an independent government study released today.

This problem, according to the data, is exacerbated by the proliferation of sexually attractive news, sports and weather presenters on the television.

Although it may be true that it is easier to access good quality free porn than it is to get into your own online bank account, there is clearly something about news presenters that gives us the raging horn.

Cambridge University Sexual Tangent Abomination Research Department (Custard) have found that women filmed from the waist up are irresistibly alluring to men who can thing of nothing but what delights lie behind the table.

7 out of 10 of them were convinced that female news presenters wear absolutely nothing on their lower half whilst it is hidden by a news desk and one man thought they may even have false arms to hide the fact that they are fingering themselves.

Without News we’re just Monkeys

A professor from Yale University (which is big in America but just a type of cheap door lock back here) has suggested that if a human being goes more than a year or two without access to TV News they are likely to regress into a Neanderthal or worse.

What could be worse?

The reason, he suggested, that this has not happened to those in rural communities in the 3rd world is that they never did have access to News so they’re fine without it in much the same way that they’re better at dancing than white guys.

However, a person brought up with regular news updates and bulletins who is suddenly deprived of them because they are furiously bringing themselves to orgasm (followed by a short sleep) will undergo a fully regressive physical metamorphosis like going cold turkey for news!

A public with no news cannot make informed decisions!

This statement roughly translates as; If people don’t watch the news you can’t brain wash them into voting the way you want them to which is the same reason the government wants to get rid of drugs.

With this in mind, as of newt week, a new breed of pig ugly news broadcasters will be taking anchor at all the major networks or their funding will be pulled!